BODY IMAGE DILEMMAS

I am very troubled by the fact that just last year I purchased 3 items at the “Dress Barn” which by inference could make me a cow. I was reared to believe that measurements define a woman’s beauty. My mother, who maintained a perfect figure into her 80’s, was known to cut people out of family photos if, in her opinion, they looked fat. This was how I learned the magic of “invisibility”, disappearing from my body, living in my spirit and mind for the most part. How could I go out in public looking like that? ( no make up, house clothes…) asked my husband; it was easy. When I chose not to appear for myself, how could others see me? My rescued dog, Molly, knew the art of defensive disappearance. When presented with a threat she threw her head in the opposite direction, out of sight, out of threat. Where my body, soul and mind met is definitely canine and like a dog I also wanted to please.

I will purchase groceries along with gas at “Skinny’s” but would drop dead before dining at “Blimpie’s. As a matter of fact, last year I realized the craziness of obsessive skinny culture when I learned that my sister was given diet pills at age 12 (in 1949) to reduce what was probably normal prepubescence. When I was 12, I shared many of the same clothes with my mother; interestingly, I was fat and she was not . Apparently my mother’s generation could be very judgmental about size.

My “body self” barometer was defective. Through the years I agonizingly scanned photos to measure my obesity level. How could a size 9 be gigantic? At the time I always judged myself as ugly, but looking back in time, those same pictures were surprisingly acceptable, almost pretty. This crazy system creates perpetual self disapproval.

My response to the game was giving up. I was a dog, not a cat….and most certainly not a dancer. Actually, dancing had been discouraged in my family. The best way to feel good about myself was to avoid mirrors and to dress in camouflage.

Pregnancy was a relief, a socially acceptable” body hiding.” Infant holding adorned my defective body with a jewel, holding forth beauty to the world. Sad, for me, was the day my babies wanted to walk, proud and empowered in their own bodies.

To find myself I looked in, not out. Integrating my body, mind and spirit is a recent evolution. I notice that as the body gradually abandons you, spirit and mind rise to the forefront. The grand equalizer of aging now bonds me with many previously “perfect body people”. I have seniority in the imperfect body category.

My dogs, my friends are beautiful in spirit. Bodies are a kind of costume; they can be an art form, but they definitely are vehicle for spirit.

What is Man's chief end?

"Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever."—Westminster Shorter Catechism, Q. 1.

Mini-Moments of Faith: Instructions for Life

Reflections on Proverbs
(Written by Solomon, son of David around 1000 BC)
Proverbs 1:1-7 NIV

“The proverbs of Solomon, son of David, King of Israel: for attaining wisdom and discipline, for understanding words of insight, for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair, for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young—let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.”

WISDOM

Obviously God wants us to use our heads! Wisdom is applied knowledge, to be used in our everyday life. The first step is the fear of the Lord, standing in an attitude of awe, humility, openness to new information. In our culture we associate “fear” with dread and terror, negative feelings to be avoided. God defines “fear” as holy and pious (devoted), positive feelings to be welcomed.

INTENTIONALITY

Secondly, wisdom acquisition and behavioral change assume the discipline of intentional exposure to knowledge. A blank computer screen may be a good start but is a miserable finish. Lack of input makes downloading an impossibility. This is why Solomon wrote Proverbs, to supply the content! But just buying a book on nutrition cannot sustain our physical body. We actually have to ingest the food. We would question the sincerity of a self-proclaimed “football fan” who never watched a game. The same is true of someone who claims to love God but never studies His Word or associates with His people.

We live in a “fast” disposable society. We want learning user- friendly, easily digestible. We want “magic” relationships”, ignoring the necessity of relationship-tending. We also assume an automatic relationship with God. Proverbs teaches us that knowing God and practicing His wisdom in all things require intentional and interactive discipline.

DISCIPLINE

The format of DISCIPLINE is the language for wisdom, discernment and prudence .
We have been raised on Cliff notes, Reader’s Digest and passive audio/video interaction. God recommends that we actually ingest and savor each of His wise words. Initially discipline may seem boring, unfamiliar, slow, but God promises rewards of understanding, right behavior, guidance and discernment…and, these are the Manufacturer’s instructions.

Happy New Year

MISSING THE BLESSING

Dear Lord,
I didn’t understand.
I was always disappointed.
I imagined the blessing as
dramatic, bold, designed,
policied, procedured, daytimered, detailed,
calendared, sign-boarded, labeled, scheduled,
voice-mailed, e-mailed, megaphoned,
engineered, spreadsheet, high-tech, mapped, GPS’d,
advertised, store-windowed,
publicly acknowledged in product, print, on stage.

Towards the end of my life I saw that the blessing was found instead as……… ragged,
tattered, unwoven, disordered, cluttered
life threads in subtle colors,
Half-torn “post-its”, coffee-stained napkins,
Cluttered piles.

The children of God looked for Christ in the wrong form, in the wrong place.

I make the same mistake.




My web is woven like a nest, gathered
From scraps and twigs, creating a resting place of purpose… undertoned, understated,
recognizable only in remininesence.
Visible only when undistracted by busyness, planning, future goals.

The blessing is not found necessarily in the plan that happened…. It is instead buried beneath; the mistakes were allowed to create the best.
God was in charge all along.

Hard to let go,
Yes, we should still plan and still go, but look to the left, look the right, look into the face of Jesus in the sky.
It is blessed to catch the blessing at the time, but sometimes it can only be seen in the reflection of old age, illness, the face of a newborn, a snowflake.

LOOK, WAIT, DON’T ASSUME LIFE TO BE AS YOU SEE IT.

MAKE ROOM FOR GOD; MAKE ROOM FOR HIS MYSTERY.
He blesses us in the everyday, the bread, the fish, the wine at the wedding party.
Unassuming. Unpretentious, spontaneous.

Hands

Dear Father,

Help me open my hands and hold them upward.
You give me your grace by the hand full.
You hold me in the palm of your hand.
Your hand reaches down for mine and keeps me from falling.
Just as mothers and fathers hold on to the hands of their children,
Guiding them and keeping them from falling.

Let me feel your hand. Let me hold on to it.
Why do I try to let go? Forget to hold on? Want to walk alone?

You never forget; you inscribed our names on the back of your hand.
You hold us in the palm of your hand.
You never let go.

UNBeatable

My primary physician at MD Anderson, Dr. Abena Brewster, and I after taking in a performance of Unbeatable - a play based on the real life journaling of a breast cancer survivor.

Grief Feels Like

Wraparound sadness
Enduring, amorphous wandering
Shifted paradigms
Tearless eyes that sting and burn
A huge fear lump stuck in your throat
Unstoppable hiccups…a sneeze that stalls…an unreachable itch
An undilating cervix
A permanent pimple planted on the middle of your face
Macular degeneration of your soul
Dementia of your mood
Total aphasia
Entering the Witness Protection Program
Losing your identity, dissolving all your connections
Acting in a “changing places” movie
Living someone else’s life
Wearing borrowed clothes; one size fits all but nothing really fits
Attacked by a computer virus
An extended electrical outage
“12:00” blinking permanently on the face of your VCR
A buzzing alarm clock just beyond reach
Broken routines, lost keys
Breakfast at midnight, sleep at noon
Misplacing the remote control
Locking yourself out, locking yourself in
Paging yourself to find where you are
Breaking up, static on the line, cellular not digital
Wearing someone else’s eyeglasses
An out of focus lens, a mistracking VCR
A 45 rpm record played at 78 speed
Someone lowering the volume, dimming the lights
Realizing “settled” is a myth
Possibilities flashing across your mind, dissolving in its spaces
A nagging sense of “never”
Wondering when this timeless intermission will end
Finishing what you thought was the appetizer and learning it was dessert
Living with “how it was” when it wasn’t how you wanted it
Acknowledging what can NEVER happen
Recognizing the unfixable, the unreturnable, the expired
Unplugged wires…last year’s Christmas lights, tangled and mangled
Dots that won’t connect
Permanent pauses…stalled suspensions
No escalator step rising up when you need it

No one to finish your sentences…

to remember the forgotten…

to ask “how was your day?”

I can’t serve you, Lord, I’m too short!

I puddled into meltdown listening to my 2-year old granddaughter on the phone. She was encouraged by her father to tell me a specific story. She whispered to him “I can’t, I don’t know how.” He continued encouraging her when she loudly exclaimed “I can’t. I’m too SHORT!” She seemed relieved when I sympathetically said, “Oh, you can’t because you’re too little” happy that someone understood.

This is my dilemma too. I feel too short to do God’s will, to speak of his glory and write about his grace. I feel too little. God led me to His promise to Jeremiah: “but the Lord said to me “Do not say, I am only a child. You must go to everyone I send you and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you.” declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out his hand, touched my mouth and said to me, now I have put words in your mouth.” Jeremiah l: 7,9 ( NIV.)

Thank you God for putting words in my mouth and thoughts on my page. Thank you Father for coaching my conversations. May you oversee and encourage the growth of Willow Meadows children of all ages. May we go wherever you send us in Southwest Houston and say whatever you command us.

Trust

She was nearly 3 years old and almost 3 feet tall,

Nestling gently into her babysitter grandma.
With her doe-soft eyes and fragile blond locks
She looked up trustingly and said
“I know I’m okay with you because you know how to take care of me.”

Dear father,

help me to assume the same cuddling stance and heart of trust with you
who knows exactly how to take care of me.

Love, Your trusting child

The Golden Bowls

TO OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN

Some folks say prayer is…just air
but down on my knees I want to know where.
Where do prayers go up there?

John says golden bowls full of incense hold
our prayers up there—that’s where.

We pray for healing of the ill, comfort for the bereaved,
hope for the downtrodden, safety for the soldiers,
peace for the world, forgiveness of sinners.

A burden sent heavenward lightens the weight on earth.

God said to pray “thy kingdom come”.

Will my prayer be the one needed to fill the bowl, hearken heaven to earth? Will my prayer fill the bowl to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, heal the sick, soothe the distressed, protect the soldier, sustain the lonely, woo the sinner and lead us into your will?

Ryan Russell 1st Day

November 18, 2008

Dear Baby Ryan Russell Brock,

Welcome!

You come to us on the wings of an angel sent as a miracle of God’s Love. You belong to Him on loan to us.

We pray for God’s wisdom and loving patience toward you as we care for you. You will transform us in ways we cannot now imagine.

As your grandma I love your choice of parents and time of arrival.

Your mom and dad have been prepared for you by God’s long time training and faithfulness through difficult downs and joyous highs.

As you age please be loving and patient with your parents since you came into the world without operating instructions or warranty.

You are received by loving family, church community and your mother’s spiritual sisters.

May God continually annoint you to be in His will.


All my love,
Nana

My Grandmother’s Legacy

I can make it. Clara did. A woman ahead of her time, married at 17, mother of 7, of whom 4 died before age 21… a 3rd grade education. She knew to leave her dreamer, non farmer husband in the unforgiving Alberta prairie when her youngest was a year old. She settled her brood in Mayville, North Dakota, creating a boarding house and cleaning at day jobs to make ends meet. Things certainly must have been bad in Canada.

She moved the family to Minneapolis, working as a cook in a special school for the handicapped where the children stole her soul. She rented space for An ice cream shop on the main floor where the family could live upstairs. She bought and sold 4 houses in her lifetime. She took in family members to stay with her in her duplex. She mothered me while my mom was coping with depression. She loved babies. Clara never had a dime to her name but always had a dollar if you needed it.

One winter I was sick all season and she bought me my first shiny green bike to encourage me to get well by spring.

Clara was and is my hope. She survived a heart attack at 75 and pancreatic cancer in her 80’s. She gave comfort and cookies, was both soft and tough. She is my heroine……and I have her blood in me!

Where I am From

I am from the cold, the orderly, the controlled- where people are good, punctual and honest—conversing about the weather and casseroles benignly flavored with ketchup as the hot sauce. My people are the safe ones; don’t take risks, put money aside. The biggest risk of growing up Minnesotan was to become bored to death.

I was polite, practical, to the point—no frills and little fun. I lived in a boxed up, pre-packaged constricted world and ran away to the South, defrosting in order to breathe, to avoid sterile suffocation of my soul. I emigrated to the spontaneous sunshined, leisurely south and never returned to hibernate as hostage to cold and constriction. I found my spirit and my soul survives and thrives at about 70 degrees farenheit.

An ideal Life with no limitations

I would resurrect Bill, immersing him in the life I have discovered since his death. We would live simply-around water, hills, trees with dogs and horses in close proximity to our children and grandchildren.

We would travel, sharing good tastes, great sounds, great beauty---growing together in our spiritual relationship with God and progressively share en- hanced love with each other.

I would read and write my heart out and be with good growing people, savoring the now and preparing for eternity. Yes, slow, savoring of life.