Soul-ectomy

Last night I was privileged to attend the Baylor University Men’s Choir concert.
The music cut an incision to my soul.
Joy entered.

I ponder the last four lines of song and carry them with me.

“Go in peace.”
“Live in grace.”
“Trust in the arms that hold you.”
“Trust in the God that loves you.”

AMEN

Bean Gould: Pet Therapy Volunteer

Controversy surrounded her arrival into our family. The teen daughter’s friends had impulsively purchased this collie-shepherd-? mix from a roadside by the mall. So cute and sweet on her first visit to our house, I sensed even then we might have a future together.

Meanwhile, her infancy and toddler hood was mostly spent sleeping till noon, watching TV and chewing ice from a glass with her teen dad. To combat boredom she chose to systematically consume his bedroom carpet until his dad uttered the dreaded “going to the farm” threat. Of course we potential rescuers enter stage left at this point with the request that we try her out for the weekend. (We already had an aging sheltie and fostered a sibling’s corgi.)

By this time Bean (who at that point carried the nonfeminine name of a brewery) was a bland brown basic “plain Jane” dog whose primary trait was “mouthiness”. Her right ear never fully cartilaged leaving it permanently bent. She had not yet developed her wise black mask, beautifully mascaraed eyes or long curl- up tail. We did not realize her absolute sweet sensitivity or willingness to please. She was definitely “the omega dog” begging to be last.

To summarize the arrival…..the dad expected the visitor who came for the weekend to leave Sunday night, the daughter evaluated in her head that the weekend had gone well so the dog could stay and the mom, having fallen in love with the dog colluded with the daughter against the dad. (for which she asked forgiveness since she seldom misbehaved that way, but by that time the dad was so bonded to the dog he easily granted absolution.)

Being an intelligent dog, Bean learned that at our house she would chew only our pink carpet pad, replacing the carpet corner on top of the damage so it would take a while to discover it. In her early adolescence she was spayed but on that night she sneaked into a guest’s purse and ate a good supply of the birth controls inside. We kept explaining to her that she would no longer need them but had to use an emetic instead after calling poison control at midnight.

One season while the daughter took photography class, Bean’s star photogenic talent shined as she posed patiently in a bikini, as a cowboy complete with rope, boots, hat, shirt, hay and feed, as a boy scout, and as a tea party guest sporting faux yellow pearls and a spaghetti strap teal blue top.

Those doe eyes brought tears to mine as she came running to be crated so she would not knock over our only live Christmas tree in years while I was gone except that she was behind the tree and knocked it over in her eager desire to obey. As she observed me dressing for work she went voluntarily into her crate waiting for me to shut the door on my way out.

Bean was sort of a canine “Everyman”. At about 70 pounds with her collie/shepherd look she was easy for people to identify with when she assumed her job as pet therapist.
Frequently she would bring to mind someone’s favorite dog, easier when she was not an exact breed.

I was a psychotherapist who worked with nursing home residents for a while. Often Miss Bean accompanied me and she had many fans. As I talked with residents she would seem to be napping beside me but would elicit gentle groans in sympathy with the sad tones or complaints of ill and aging residents.

Bean and I joined the training program at our local Medical Center hospital which had a pet therapy program in its rehab center and also visited patients to brighten their stay. Bean was not the typical retired show dog. pet therapist. She just loved people and was a natural. She made no complaints about dressing up in somewhat embarrassing costumes. She behaved well with dog peers and in the hospital kept her nose where it belonged. Before a work day she was bathed and had her teeth brushed. She sat anxiously alert in the car, knowing she was going to work. She was exhausted the whole next day as she gave it her all.

One day we were part of a mall event where photos could be taken with the dogs. Actually Bean was Santa but found it difficult that the reindeer was a yorkie! What was fun, however, was our trip into the mall. A sunny day, I was wearing sunglasses. Bean had her short working leash and I suddenly noticed people stepping out of our way in the department store aisles while we traveled. It finally dawned on me that they thought I was blind and she was my seeing eye dog.

In the rehab setting Bean was a star retriever. She had a great sense of fairness. Returning with the tennis ball the patient had thrown she alternately returned it to the patient, the therapist and me. She wanted everyone to have a chance to participate!

Generally Miss Bean liked to have space between you so she could look into your face. On one occasion a very impaired withdrawn man seemed to let her know he wanted to hug her. She violated her usual boundaries and hugged gently into his face, licking his glasses so hard they had to be wiped dry. Another time a young boy communicated he wanted more of her than the front two paws on the perfunctory towel laid down for infection control. For a brief second they both smiled as I saw all four of her paws packed into the same small area. She must have levitated gently into that position.

At one point Bean had sore paws if she worked too hard. The vet gave permission for her to take a doggie pain pill before going on duty so the patients would not feel so sorry for her that they would not work comfortably with her. I wondered if that was considered a “performance-enhancing drug”? Oh, Miss Bean also took “Beano” at times to prevent doggie farts while on duty.

Dental cleaning was required of pet therapy dogs. The daughter worked at a vet clinic and arranged the procedure when she (and I) could both be there. We did not want her waking up alone from anesthesia. The solution……….I sat with her in a large back cage allowing her to be with someone familiar while recovering. All I recall is the voice of a huge great dane in the next cage and a fellow vet staff feeding me powdered sugar cookies through the bars.

On several occasions Miss Bean became my pet therapist. After major surgery she curled
her big warm body against my incision site and slept with me for days. As our family lost members, human and animal, she was there for comfort. One rescue dog came to live with us and Molly was frightened to come out from under the bed. Bean coaxed her out and taught her how to be a dog, how to run outside and bark freely. She adopted, cats, dogs, humans.

During a wake while family was waiting for the matriarch grandpa to pass on we were in an adjoining room. We heard a strange howl uttered. She knew the moment of the passing and announced it to us.

I have learned to be appreciative of gifts granted in unexpected packages.

If Only I Could be the Person My Cat Thinks I Am

“If only I could be the person my cat thinks I am” broadcasts brazenly on the back bumper of my aging understatedly gray Toyota. . .. pretty much summarizes years of my trying to be whoever I think those around need me to be. Not actually spineless enabling wimpiness, although during the 80’s I would have readily confessed to lethal codependency. Of course, a part of me would readily confess to anything given a confrontive or questioning stare.

I am from Minnesota. I can now say without shame that I am extremely adaptive, resourceful and flexible, a “ yoga pretzel” personality. Under my breath you can hear a semi-audible mantra mutter “surely there is a way….we just don’t know what it is yet.” Through the years what seemed a delusional, naïve or emotional perspective has created a valid string of events. The process was sometimes invisible, mostly crazy, but results often miracles beyond logic.

Right brained, intuitive, rambling, free associating my way through life, loving possibilities, cheated by cut and dried conclusions. I came from a “bottom line”, ‘just the facts ma’m” cultural mentality, pragmatic and mathematical, not magical and musical. I was a misfit, starting sentences in midstream, watching others look at me puzzled or critical. I might have a certifiable thought disorder but enjoyed it. My children and husband learned my language… so kind of them to do so. Others just treated me as dumb or blonde, or demented. One supervisor suggested I use lined paper, but when I offered to modify my style she begged me not to, saying that someone had to embody Erma Bombeck’s legacy.

Yes, I confused people, but added color, humor and surprise to life. I used to feel embarrassed, wrong, but later saw delight in dancing with the unexpected. A test? If people “get it” we travel intimately together into a rich land of playful, poignant possibility. If they don’t…I speak the language of “concrete” and temporarily put my soul on hold.

I am capable of precise communication, especially when others need it from me. I love the playfulness of words and the energy of discovering where you are going after you arrive. My world of origin was deductive; my self was inductive. It took years before I met anyone else like me….of course we could not have straightforwardly communicated that fact with each other…..so it would be expected to take a while. My brain just would not bend to the left.

My many animals, angels of comfort and comradeship, always passed the test; they knew who I was. These fur friends, from an 8 ounce black and white rat, to a l300 pound paint horse, were my playmates, cheerleaders, healers, mentors, guardians, comedians, nannies, psychotherapists, entertainers and travel guides. Their unique “animalities” (animal personalities) sniffed out what’s essential to life, teaching compassion, patience, perseverance, curiosity, commitment, sensitivity. Every morning, as in scripture, I awaken to new mercies as cuddling under my arm is mini-cat, “Mercy”……who definitely knows who I am but loves me anyway.

David

(I Samuel 16:16-23)

Life can imitate scripture. As I read the following I recalled the intense certainty I had about naming my first born child “David”.

“Let our lord now command your servants who are before you. Let them seek a man who is a skillful player of the harp…..so Saul said to his servants, “provide me now a man who can play well and bring him to me.”

Then one of the young men answered and said, “Behold I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite who is a skilled musician, a mighty man of valor, a warrior, one prudent in speech, and a handsome man; and the Lord is with him.”

Then David came to Saul and attended him, and Saul loved him greatly; and he became his armor bearer. And Saul sent to Jesse saying, “Let David now stand before me; for he has found favor in my sight.” So it came about whenever the evil spirit came to Saul, David would take the harp and play it with his hand; and Saul would be refreshed and be well, and the evil spirit would depart from him.”

My David strokes the bass as his harp; his music refreshes the soul. He is a warrior, a well- spoken handsome man of valor. Most importantly, the Lord is with him. His mother is well blessed by God.

Mr and Mrs Cat

Mr. N. & Mrs. O. Cat are celebrating their 10th anniversary together. They qualify as Siamese, joined everywhere by choice. He gave up the outdoors life for her. I don’t think she gave up anything for him. 20 hours a day they cuddle. On random occasions they will awaken in each other’s arms, appear startled & begin fighting as if wondering how on earth they spent the night with “you”? Then they realize and make up. He embraces her lovingly with his 6 toe boxing glove paws around her neck.

Time

Time flows, interrupted by death.
Easter can transform it into Time Eternal.

On earth we plan, do, “so that”, “until”, “next.”
Let us begin to blur the boundary; blend it into eternity.
It is not condemnation but commendation, moving us from limited to limitless when we place our trust in Jesus.

Death continually sits on our shoulder, teasing, confusing us. What to do? We are used to marking time by an earthly calendar. Heaventime is seamless. December, a perpetual January.

Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death….like it’s a choice?
We all will. We pretend we won’t.

Master our resistance to death? Jesus died to walk us through the valley. We die so we can really walk with Him. A mutual portal we should welcome and not dread …but even He dreaded it, falling to the ground in agony. He was attached to His earthly life, friends and family. Like us, He was on assignment here.

So simple? Remove resistance and there are no obstacles? Jesus, become more present to us in this life so we can envision our heavenly lives. Please overshadow our fear and sorrow with joyful anticipation.

Lenten E-Mail Prayer

Dear God,

I send you this e-mail, eternity mail
Trying to connect with you,
The form familiar to me.

I am hungry to know You.
I am frightened to know You.
I am frightened not to know You.

I am constricted, isolating.
I am jealous of expansiveness, excitement.
I am fearful of safe numbness, controlled routine.
I want the life of the disciples.
I want to walk with You.
I want to do what You want me to do.
I want to glorify you and enjoy you forever.

I confess:
Staying in the safe
Avoiding intimacy
Thwarting the Spirit.

You did not create your children to be numb,
To settle, just get along, make it through the day.
You created your children to share with them your love.
You have plans for good that include them.
You want to give them joy.

Thank you for pricking my heart to seek You.
Thank you for gracefully preventing my settling for the superficial.

I love You.
I give you my failures, my stubbornness.
I celebrate your many salvations. Please let me live constantly with You.Help me hover above the earth and see clearly.

STRESS MANAGEMENT

Psalm 31 Style (the Living Bible)

“Lord, I trust in you alone”

(1)…who else is there really? …my boots have no straps. How could I pull myself up?

“Answer quickly when I cry to you; bend low and hear my whispered plea.”

(2) I can only manage a whisper from this downtrodden dark place and I don’t have long. I am desperate. Hurry.

“You are my Rock; honor your name by leading me out of this peril”

(3) “You alone are strong enough”

(4) “Into your had I commit my spirit.”

(5) Lord, I see here the story of Gethsemane when your beloved Son pleaded for the cup to be removed.

“You have rescued me, O God who keeps his promises…I am radiant with joy because of your mercy, for you have listened to my troubles and have seen the crisis in my soul.”

(6,7) I trust in you alone and believe your promise to guide me out of trouble and hold me through the crises.

Gethsemane is the road to eternal life.

LENTEN DIALOGUE WITH LIFE AND DEATH

Psalm 23 (The Living Bible)


(1) “Because the Lord is my shepherd I have everything I need.” Even when I may think I need more.

(2) “He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams.” When I feel stressed He calls me to find rest. I become the baby lamb I have seen resting in the crook of His arm.

(3) “He restores my failing health.” I trust Him as my great physician.

(4) “He helps me to do what honors Him the most.” Especially when I want to do what honors me the most.

(5) “Even when walking through the dark valley of death I will not be afraid for you are close beside me guarding, guiding all the way.” You never leave us or forsake us. You are with us in the most alone experiences of birth and death.

(6) “You provide delicious food for me…you have welcomed me as your guest; blessings overflow.” I accept your gracious hospitality and praise the overflowing of good things.

(7) “Your goodness and unfailing kindness shall be with me all of my life and afterward I will live with you forever in your house.” What more could I need forever?

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Conversation with Psalm 5

“Hear me praying” Now Lord, how could you hear me if I don’t do it?

“I will pray only to you”. I cannot pray to the gods of the world.

“Each morning I will look to you in heaven.” I won’t look down at myself or at the circumstances.

“I will lay my requests before you.” I am picturing long rows of them.

“I will pray earnestly.” I will beg with my whole heart, down on my knees.

“I will come into the temple protected by your mercy and love.” I am unworthy to enter without your mercy and love.

“I will worship you with deepest awe.” Lord, you are awesome.

“Lead me as you promised.” I am willing to follow.

“Tell me what to do and which way to turn.” How else will I know where to go?

“Make everyone rejoice that trusts in you.” What else would we want to do?

“Keep them shouting for joy.” Amen.

“Fill them with your happiness.” It is the only true kind.

“Protect them with your shield of love.” Thank you for your love to us.

The Inheritance

It sprang up suddenly, covering half the three-month-old’s face
transplanted from loving glances of his mother’s bonding.

She has carried it for over thirty years,
Its sunshine evaporating occasional outbursts of tears

The grandma has worn it over six decades
drawing strength from God when He widens it after her frowns.

It was born out of the great grandmother’s sorrows and struggles.
God installed it for survival joy.
He sustained it through these four generations to share with us and others His loving spirit.

This is why He created the smile.

Lenten Spring Cleaning

I have acclimated to lukewarmness.

I have adjusted to smothering layers of dust.

I have accustomized myself to visual astigmatism.

My self absorption squeezes out space for your Spirit.

I am dull, dingy, drab, distracted.

Senseless broken clutter blocks my heart access to you.

I am overrun by earthly trash.

Confession is the clearing

Create in me a clean heart.