These essays seem to be shifting to a more conversational mode. To those of you blessed and patient readers, I feel the need for me to have more personal process. Please feel free to comment, or email. Prepare for random, rambling commentary on my inner and outer life. Spell check will make frequent attacks about “fragment” in its critique.
“Be where you are.” I am aware of being in a unique position for me. I have always been a doer, life dictated by those with whom I am related…..work, clients, family, and friends. Now I am a “watcher”, “observer”, reflector, feeler, not a doer. During the first few years of widowhood I manically created a second “twenties” decade of possibility and laid down foundation for what I imagined to be the birth of life’s second half. I moved, built and decorated a house, started a counseling business.
Five years ago when cancer reattacked I began the era of “reduction”. I spent a lot of effort pretending to be who I used to be and imagining how to recreate it. Slowly I have surrendered what I don’t have and begun being where I am. I have discovered gifts of time, gifts of perspective and some acceptance that life goes forward, not backward.
My most stubborn surrender has been letting go of being in charge and commenting on everything I see as if my opinion really mattered. Lots of mouth bruises as I bite my tongue. As I watch children, grandchildren, friends and television characters rightfully live their lives, I am discerning what is my business and what is not…..which I have always said is the most important distinction in life and can cause the most misery. Two disclaimers: I will yell and run if a child is headed into traffic and I will answer as thoughtfully as possible when actually asked. Otherwise I will notice and pray for what I see.
“Be where you are.” I am aware of being in a unique position for me. I have always been a doer, life dictated by those with whom I am related…..work, clients, family, and friends. Now I am a “watcher”, “observer”, reflector, feeler, not a doer. During the first few years of widowhood I manically created a second “twenties” decade of possibility and laid down foundation for what I imagined to be the birth of life’s second half. I moved, built and decorated a house, started a counseling business.
Five years ago when cancer reattacked I began the era of “reduction”. I spent a lot of effort pretending to be who I used to be and imagining how to recreate it. Slowly I have surrendered what I don’t have and begun being where I am. I have discovered gifts of time, gifts of perspective and some acceptance that life goes forward, not backward.
My most stubborn surrender has been letting go of being in charge and commenting on everything I see as if my opinion really mattered. Lots of mouth bruises as I bite my tongue. As I watch children, grandchildren, friends and television characters rightfully live their lives, I am discerning what is my business and what is not…..which I have always said is the most important distinction in life and can cause the most misery. Two disclaimers: I will yell and run if a child is headed into traffic and I will answer as thoughtfully as possible when actually asked. Otherwise I will notice and pray for what I see.
